The New Divorce
Are you ready to graduate from your current marriage?
Isn't it curious that there is one relationship – that with our family of origin – which it's considered a failure if we do not eventually move out and leave them. While another relationship - marriage - is considered a failure if we do move out and leave them.
I need to point out that this is a cultural bias which has some unhappy consequences for individuals. In some societies a newly married couple moves in with either the young man's family or the young woman's family. In some Hindu castes it was considered quite appropriate for an older man or woman to leave the family and go off in search of a more spiritual life. To not take leave would be a sign of a certain lack of spiritual ambition.
The German poet Rilke echoes something of this idea for the Western imagination:
Sometimes a man stands up during supper
And walks out the door and keeps on walking
Toward a church that stands somewhere in the East.
And his children say prayers over him as if he were dead.
While another man stays seated among the cups and saucers,
So that his children must go far out into the world
In search of that same church which he forgot.
In our highly puritanical society it is still considered an abomination to leave a marriage that one entered into of one's own choice. The guilt that is associated with divorce may have lessened somewhat, but I have yet to meet an individual who was not infected in some way with a sense of shame, regret, disappointment, and emotional pain over the ending of marriage.
My favorite quote on divorce comes from famous anthropologist, Margaret Mead, who – when questioned about her three failed marriages, replied With surprised indignation:
"Failed?! I've had three marriages - all of them successful!"
I would love to see this attitude embraced more widely in our contemporary culture.
The reality for the majority of Americans is that we move through life in a series of more or less monogamous relationships punctuated with periods of aloneness. This is now the norm and most people do not find it morally reprehensible. Yet, if and when we divorce there is still a stigma attached to it. Meaning that more than half the population is being shamed and traumatized for doing what one out of every two people has done. Strange.
The Origins of the word Divorce comes Old French which in turn comes from the Latin word divertus; the past perfect form of the verb divertere; "to turn different ways."
Yes, there is something quite appropriate in the definition that includes "the past perfect." Certainly that is our experience of marriage when we are at the point of divorce, that it was in 'the past perfect.' But since we must live in the present it is imperative to recognize what our soul is moving through and hence what form of companionship is most beneficial for the present moment.
I would like to see a new understanding of relationship that mirrors more closely the realities of the soul and of society. For that I suggest the notion of graduating into and out of relationships.
We graduate when we have learned all we were meant to learn from the present situation. To be "held back" is a stifling experience and does nothing to forward the narrative for either party. To be thrust forward too quickly, is to miss many of the intermediate steps necessary for a satisfactory development.
I have seen many first marriages come to an end simply because one member of the couple learned more quickly than the other. The task of an early marriage is to assist in the maturation of the child self away from the family of origin and into a place of adult autonomy. For many of us, the only persona we have is the one forged in the interaction between us and our parents and siblings and that identity is inevitably smaller than what we will need to succeed in the larger world.
When we fall in love we love the beloved precisely because they see more of us then was mirrored to us by our family, and thus draw us out into a fuller selfhood. First marriages are often more about projection than any real depth of knowledge or compassion for the other. First love is a selfish love and must of necessity be so. For we are not yet fully formed and must grow, like a caterpillar, under the warm embrace of a non-critical other to find our butterfly within.
Once we have grown ourselves a person however, it is often the case that we look around with our new eyes and realize that the person who was so appropriate for first love is not at all the companion that we need for the next stage of life. How sad to feel that we must remain tethered to that person for decades to come, rather than celebrating graciously and with gratitude all that we were to each other and then graduating and moving on.
The bringing of children into the world is an entirely different sort of endeavor, and requires very different things from individuals than that of the making of self. To parent is a selfless activity and requires a different kind of focus and direction. It has been repeatedly pointed out to us by scientists, psychologists, and anthropologists, that in the mating game there are forces at work quite beyond our conscious capacity and most of us are driven by genetic forces for which we then devise rationalizations that have nothing to do with reality. Again, just because someone is a patient father or loving mother does not mean that they are at all a good companion for another adult. There is a reason that one of the moments where the divorce rate is highest is immediately after the last child leaves home and the two adults are left to stare at each other across the dining room table again.
How much better it would be to offer parents at this juncture the option of "graduating" from the marriage with full honors, their grown children offering appreciation for being well raised, and friends celebrating the successful conclusion of this stage of the journey. With no bitterness or animosity involved, how much easier it will be to continue participating in the life events of all the children and friends from this period. A natural shedding of accumulated goods, cars, homes etc. will feather the nest for the next-generation while freeing the parents to the next stage of their learning.
In the last quarter of life there is a natural shift towards the idea of companionship as the foundational theme for relationships. The natural inclination of an individual either towards introversion and extroversion will be an important cue in this final stage of how they might wish to live. Natural extroverts may find that the kind of retirement villages that have sprung up around the country provide the perfect environment in which to reach out to make new associations based on shared interests, rather than trying to maintain a single home for two older adults who may get increasingly crabby if contained within its walls with only each other for company.
Natural introverts may also find in the idea of a single-family home simply too much togetherness, and prefer a nomadic lifestyle or a private room in a larger domicile where they can control the amount of exposure to other people. Of course, there will be some couples for whom living together in marriage is the ideal arrangement, who find a new form of kinship with which to pursue the demands and delights of the aging process.
The idea of what marriage is about must give way to the realities of life at these different stages of development, or we doom ourselves to great bouts of unhappiness which are completely unnecessary, given the possibilities of freedom that we have wrested for ourselves in this century.
A deepening of self-knowledge that can lead us to a proper appreciation of where we are on the vast arc between birth and death would help us gauge what form of marriage is right for us and for our partner. Setting each other free to pursue that path most congenial to the flowering of the soul is the best gift of love that one can bring. While insisting on maintaining the outer forms of marriage, even though they lack the inner wellsprings of curiosity, interest, and affection that flow from a heart truly alive to its own experience, is a tragic waste of human potential.
The New Divorce:
Graduating from your marriage with gratitude and respect.
Let go of the old ideas that divorce means your marriage has been a failure. Instead, insist on seeing the success that it was, and what it has made you in the process. Be generous with your spouse who has provided you the training ground for self development. Relinquish the notions of blame and shame and regret. Celebrate what was and prepare to move on into a brighter future.
Take divorce at its full face value – "The past perfect" and now "turning different ways."
Here are some of the principles of the new divorce mediation:
Finding your place of equanimity, fairness, and responsibility in the dividing of assets and liabilities is the quickest path to character.
Owning your own shadow makes you strong (and sexy!)
Conquering fear means the realization that you are and always have been captain of your own ship and master of your own fate.
Do not ask anyone else to play mommy or daddy to you;
Do not agree to play mommy or daddy to any other adult.
Recognize that children are sensitive and resourceful, like all human beings, and that they will respond best when you are honest and loving.
Becoming who you were meant to be is your highest responsibility.
You share the credit\blame for everything that has happened to you.
Gratitude is the best lubrication for getting through a tight spot.
Revenge is another word for self sabotage.
You mature faster when you admit your flaws.
Happiness is it's own reward.
Holding onto the past means going down with the ship.
The only way out is through.
The minute you accept your pain it starts to go away.
The current of life is always there to support those willing to float on it.
Constant becoming is the natural state of human beings.
Making sure your "enemy" is well treated now, makes an ally for the future.
You did pick the right person - for that time.
The you you are now is not the same you you were then.
Say yes to life.
